Letting go....

Everyone has to walk away at some point, no matter where you live, or how you grow up. Things always seem to change and life as you know it is turned upside down, so a part of you curls in a ball and lingers in the sadness of change, then once you have sorted it all out, you stand up and brush yourself off, taking one last look at life, you walk ahead into the unknown. Sometimes the other side turns out to be a place that causes you more pain than you ever thought possible. People tell me that loss and letting go is apart of change, and that all life's stages require it, and somehow you just have to find a way to deal with it. How am I supposed to process that? If you love something or someone one, are you not supposed to fight for it, make it work, so much that it actually hurts to be without it. And then the time comes and its over, all that, am I just supposed to forget it? Am I supposed to just brush it off like it meant nothing. there is no just learning to deal with it, somedays I walk in this haze, in the inbetween, my thoughts so entwined in the then and the now that i can barly tell them apart. Faces mesh together, I dont see anyone around me because those that I want to see arent there and nothing else seems to matter much. When does this pass? Sometimes I want to laugh so hard, just once so I try to listen to something funny and I wait, listening and trying to feel that burst, but nothing happens. I want to smile so bad, that sometimes I smile so huge in the mirror that I almost look like im in pain, I dont know why I do that, I dont think that counts as a smile. Maybe im loosing my mind completly, letting go seems to be sucking the life out of me. I try and I try to have that light balb moment where everything just makes sense, but nothing does and Im beginning to think that people say it because it is so ingrained in our heads that, that is what your supposed to do, that its normal to loose everything about yourself that you cant even reconize who you are anymore, and one day everything will just go back to being okay, that you just have to get through it. What a bunch of bull, they have no idea, I am beginning to feel that no one gets it. Maybe im alone in this world completly unable to relate to anyone. Hell, maybe thats a blessing, because if you dont connect with anyone, then you have no feelings and without feelings there is no way to be hurt. I guess the only down fall is that you turn to stone and you just walk through life like a dance routine so ingrained in your head that the music is not even needed to express the emotion of the song. I dont want to be that, but I dont want to feel anymore. Isent that nuts, yeah tell me about it. If there is a way to let go, I will have to find it. Im not giving up, I think that is the only thing that Im sure of, I have been knocked down and kicked, and the only thing I have left is my dignaty and my pride and I wont be striped of it, even if in the end thats all I have. Im letting go, but it just might kill me.