Who im voting for and why.

After all the debates, after all the campaigning, I have come to my decision. It was a rough election year because I was bouncing back and forth between the two, unsure with who I agreed with more. I have thought long and hard and researched the things I was unsure about. Its important for me to keep the big picture in mind, and make an educated decision on who I would give my vote to. I have to keep in mind, that most of what is said during election time are either half truths or ambitions they aren't going to have the time to fully complete. With this in mind I focused on their stands of topics I deemed important. For one, I am a student, I understand how hard it is to be in school and work and have money and time to do all the things you have to do to survive and get through school. I agree that education is important to developing our country. China and Japan are more advanced than us, they have better grade averages, better schools and university's, their one of the top countries for technology advances and medical advances, if were going to have a chance to compete with that, we need to research, study and learn math and science and get our schools up to par. If we cut education costs were only furthering our down fall. America is supposed to be the top country, how are we going to be that when education is not deemed a main priority. I'm not comfortable with cutting school funding, I'm not comfortable with the state choosing our teachers. Each state has its own ideas and opinions and that's fine, but we need a national objective. We need to be learning the same things, no state should be behind another or ahead, We need to advance together. I think the government implementing a program that keeps us united in our goals is the right choice for the future. I think that developing green ideas is also important to bettering this country. If we cut science research, how can we learn to use our own resources, how can we compete in a technology world? I'm not comfortable with cutting these programs just to focus more on military costs. I don't think the military should get more money if their not asking for it. They know what we need and what we will need in the future, if they came forth and said look this is what we need to keep the country safe, then yes we should make sure they have it. But giving them money to work on things that are outdated to the world we live in is just a useless idea to me. Obama was right when he said things are changing and we can not have the same military that we did in the past. Were making advancements and we need to focus on things that will make our military stronger for this day and age. I like the idea that health care being more available for the people in this country, is it any where it needs to be? No, there are a lot of problems that need to be fixed and hashed out to make it work for the people and the country, but I think Obama knows that and like he said its a tedious problem that needs to be discussed and looked over. he has listened to the peoples concerns and I think over all he is headed in the right direction, we do need a better health care program and I'm happy that he is trying to get to the point where we have that. I know its a long road ahead to get it all worked out, but I know that he is thinking about keeping us healthy and active and in the right place. The first lady is working hard to teach healthy eating and exercise programs. Weight is a big issue in this country, were spending a lot of money on health care due to poor diets, high blood pressure and obese problems. To get that down we need to raise awareness on that and that's something they have been working on. I don't like the fact that Romney's foreign policy is to go in and call people out and ruffle feathers and cause more conflict. The main focus should be peace, and should be working on uniting the world so we all can work and live together in harmony. I feel like Romney will only add more to our military burden and duties. We can not afford to make any more enemy's and we need to start worrying about our own country, making enemy's isn't going to help us any. I'm not okay with giving foreign countries tax cuts when we are paying taxes to keep business here. Its unclear on what programs Romney will cut. That's a big problem for me, he could cut something that we need, he wants to cut free health care centers. And for someone without medical coverage, that's a big problem and I'm not going to give my vote to someone who is going to make it harder for me to get the help that I need. I feel like Obama is working towards solving foreign problems, and creating things that will keep us stable over the years. He is more interested in building trade, and unity and not war and conflict. I feel that he cares more about the people that are defending this country because he doesn't want to go to war first, he wants to resolve it before he does or says something damaging. I feel like Romney is a hot head and we cant have that in office, not with a world so unstable. We need someone who is interested in and devoted to peace. I feel like Obama understands and takes to heart that people are struggling, and he wants to ease our burden. He is right, we all need to sacrifice, we all will take a hit to get this country on track, we don't like it, its hard and I know that first hand, but if I have to struggle for a little while to get us back on track then I can handle that. We all need to do our part and work the best that we can in making our lives better. We need to get back to school, learn a trade and seek better jobs and create better jobs. We need to take our health more seriously and get ourselves healthier. We cant look to the president and say okay fix everything and make us happy. That isn't how it works, he cant fix anything if the people in this country refuse to help by working to better themselves. This ten year war took its toll on all of us, its time to clean up the mess and I know that Obama knows that and has a solid, realistic plan on doing that. I am for small business, however people just coming out of the wood work to create a business without an education, with out a stable economic plan isn't going to help anyone long term. Romney is for short term results and I just think its too far fetched and too unbalanced to last long in this country. I think about this past four years, when you look at the big picture you have to take into account, that when a president comes into office the first year of their term is being brought up to speed on top secrete things, and dealing with the issues left on the table from the last president and getting adjusted to protocol. Then they only have a certain amount of time to introduce bills that take months of discussion and debate before the president has to go back out on the campaign trail. If Obama gets back into office, he wont need all that time to adjust, he can just keep cracking down on the bills and getting things passed. He wont have to worry about a campaign he can use the full four years to fix this country and I feel that is the wiser choice. We need someone in that can use 100 percent of his time and attention on bettering our futures. The point of all this is, things will get better, just not right away like we want them to. No matter who you vote for its going to take years, its unrealistic and unintelligent to expect things to be back to normal after four years. Its unrealistic and unintelligent to not to expect some cut backs when the country is hurting or to expect someone to do the work for you. We all have to work, we all have to struggle, its just unavoidable. I'm voting for Obama, and I think the next four years will get more accomplished with him than with Romney. I'm focused on the future, on education and health care and getting out of conflicts and so is Obama. I voted for him last term because I believed in him, and although I was unhappy a lot over the last four years, it wasn't for his lack of trying. Sometimes you have to learn from your mistakes and make it better. I think he knows people are unhappy with the results and he will just work that much harder to prove us wrong. I'm willing to stand behind someone who is willing to put in the hard work, to focus on the long run, and to end this life of terrorism and war. I still believe in him and I still think he will do more good than harm. November fifth I will be in line at the voting polls with no fear of making the wrong choice. For myself, for what I think the country needs, hes the better one for the job. I paid attention and I listened and Obama is the one that spoke to my own ideas and beliefs in what this country needs. I wish you luck Mr. President. I hope people out there continue to support you like they did the first time around. You have my support and my vote, just make sure you keep us all in mind when you debate our future. Don't think of us as a social class, or a minority or a young person or elderly person, think of us all as people who can better this world no matter or station or nationality. Do not give us more than we can handle at one time, and still be able to feed our families and pay our bills. I expect to take a few blows, but make sure they aren't all blows all the time. Keep peace in your mind and in your heart and help guide us to a world where war is the last option and not the first. keep going with your lets move program, its needed and welcomed. remember that your a father of girls, and we need a fair shake in the work world. Promote academic excellence and advancements and continue in your programs for science and math. I might not have millions of dollars to add to your campaign or to donate to your causes but I can stand behind you, I can open my mouth and speak and spread the word. I can reach families and people in my life that are worried or confused or are struggling. I can finish my schooling and get one of the jobs you place for advancing this country. I'm just as important as the people who cut the checks, I hope in your heart you know that and will treat those like me with the same respect. Don't ever forget, its the little man that does the jobs you need to accomplish to get you started on a goal, were the ones that maintain it and break our backs with the hard work. Don't exclude us, and don't ignore our needs. This country is not all rich, our country has many homeless and hungry and sick, embrace and help them just like you would for another country. Focus on America and its people, if you do that you can do no wrong. No matter what has been said, mean or ugly or shameful, it doesn't matter anymore, no matter what people said about your first term, it doesn't matter anymore. Brush it off and focus on the next term and where were headed. You cant please everyone, but you can make a difference for everyone. Being the President is not an easy job, I can understand this. If it means anything, I think you are headed down the right road, and no matter what anyone says, you keep pushing. Give them hell Mr. President, but don't give us hell. All the best to you, your cabinet, your wife and girls. I hope to see you around for the next four years. I vote Obama!!!!!

Chapter One...

My name is Lexi, I was born in Alanta Georgia, but if you were to go there now, its nothing but an ocean. The sea has swollowed up my home, never to be seen again. I only have images in my mind to keep my company. The world has changed since I once knew it. It has been four years since the invasion, since then I see less and less humans as the days pass. I have come to except this life style and have learned to follow my own rules, that is the only reason why im still here, why I havent been taken or killed like the others. I have no family left, no friends with me. The only thing I have is the backpack on my back and the shoes on my feet. I dont stay anywhere more than a few days. If you stay then you are noticed, and if your noticed, then your dead. I have seen things I never imagined possible, things that would make you sudder and scream in horror. There are beings here, not of this world. Im not sure where they are from, but as the days pass, more seem to come and none of them want humans to survive. Humans have become the bottom of the foodchain. This is no longer our planet or our world. Some of these creatures use humans as food, others for experiements and some for slaves, others just seek to destroy and kill whatever is in their path. Some are gigantic and others are so small you barly see them coming. Everyday I have to keep constant alert, not ever sure what is going to come at you. There are others out there like me, making their way to some safe place where they can stand a chance at survival. Some travel in packs, but they mostly get attacked because when you travel in packs your noticed. Others travel in small groups, but in my expereince, if your not alone, then your easy pickings. I see others out there and I have to fight my urge to join them, I have never been much of a loner before this, infact I was far from it. But If I want to make it, If I want to live another day, then I have to be on my own. Its the only way. The less people i know and watch die, the better my sanity remains in tact. If I see someone getting attacked then I know I dont have long before they find me and I keep moving. I know that is a hard way of going about it, but in this time, in this life, you are all you have. No one is going to come help you, no matter how much you scream and beg, no one can take that risk. If your caught you might as well consider yourself dead and on your own. Its just the way things are now.

     I have been here in this small dusty town for a day now, im not sure where I am or what is out there beyond these deserted streets. I know I have to keep moving, but i like to move out when its dark. Its no safer than the day light but at least you have some cover in the darkness. I am running low on the food I was able to catch. Fishing and hunting isent something im always able to do. I have gone days without food at some points along the way, just because it wasnt safe to stop and try. If I dont feel right about it, then I keep moving. I have learned to rely on my gut, it seems to know when things around that I cant see or hear. The four fish I was able to catch has kept well in my makeshift cooler. Im worried that the meat is going bad, but if I cook it enough I should be okay. Cooking is another risk, there are things out here that can smell for miles. Everytime I make a fire to cook, its a risk to my safty. Im lucky that I was able to find a stove that still works in this small town, if I didnt have that I would of had to build a fire and that isent something I like doing. Not only does it cause attention but the smell lasts for days and its easy for things to circle back and track you. I know that I will be on the road for at least a day before I find another place to stop. I dont know where I will be able to find food, but thats the least of my worries. There is a chill coming in the air and im sensing that the summer has ended and were now headed into fall. I have moved north, trying to get to canada. I have heard that there are less creatures there since the country is so thick and cold. I want to make my way to Alaska, before the end of it all people were flocking there because it didnt seem to be having any invasions there. Im not sure if that is still true, but what else can I do? I have to keep moving. Most of the buildings have been damaged in this town but I was able to find some pants and a flannel shirt. They are big for me but I use the small amount of rope that I have as a belt. I still have a good pair of shoes on my feet but with all the walking im doing, I look where ever I go, hoping to find some good boots to get me through the winter. I only have one blanket, and that isent enough for the winter chill. Expecially when making a fire is so dangerous. As I cook my meal I pack up my gear just incase I have to get out quick. I try and cook as quickly and quietly as I can. But you cant always go as fast as you want. I listen and look around, making sure nothing is coming. I feel on edge, I dont like the constant panic but I have my ways of dealing with it. Everyday I wake up, its one more day I can live. That has to be enough. Worring about food and shelter used to be my number one priority, these days my only proiority is to be unnoticed, invisable to everyone and everything. When my meal is finished I carry all my things to another building up the road, if they are tracking the scent then its more warning for me when they come. After a few minutes of watching out the window, I deem it safe enough to sit down and eat. I dont bother unpacking, I will need to leave to another building once im finished, leaving the bones behind. I chew slowly, the fish is tasteless and rubbery but it is something to put in my stomach, and im greatful I wont have to go hungry. When im finished eating I make my way to the last house on the street. Im waiting for dark and this is the easiest excape route to the woods beyond the town. I ease through the doors quickly and shut them behind me. I stop and take a deep breath and listen for any movement. I havent checked the house yet and I didnt want to walk into any surprises. I take out my hunting knife and work my way through the house, checking every room and closet. I take my time with it and dont stop moving until im satsified there is no danger. The last room I enter is a bedroom with a bathroom attached to it. The bedding is dirty and the windows are gone so leaves and dirt line the floor. I look around the room for anything that I can use, this is a process I do where ever I go. You never know what you will find. When the invasion happened, people began to hide goods all over their homes. Any room could have useful things in it. I check under the bed and find a package of bottled water. This is a big find, clean water is a rarity. I load the bottles in my pack carefully. It would add weight but I can always use water on my travels. After searching the rest of the room, I went to the closet and opened the door carefully. There are clothing hanging, mostly dresses and buisness suits. I ruffel through it looking for anything my size that is warm. I find a pair of jeans folded on the top shelf and take them out. I quickly change into them since they are a better fit and tuck the old pants in my bookbag. I find a wool sweater, a faded gray. Its hidious and in my other life I wouldnt have been caught dead in it. Now all I see is something durable and warm. I slip it over my shirt. I dont find anything else that is useful so I move on to the dresser. Im able to find some long johns and some wool socks, another gold mine. I would be very greatful once winter hits. I cringe at the underware but stuff some in my pack anywhere. It doesnt bring me comfort to wear someone elses panties,  but at least their clean and there arent any holes in them. I find a few more warm pants and shirts and my pack is full. I wont like carring the extra weight but the warm clothing will be needed soon. After my search I look out the window and look around. There doesnt seem to be any movement and if I knew better I could pretend there was nothing dangerous out there waiting for me. I knew better. I would need to get some sleep if I was going to make any sort of distance through the night. I knew better than to stay out in the open so I crawl under the bed and lay down. It usually takes me a hour or so to fall asleep. I never trully allow myself to let my guard down. Anything can happen to you when your vournable.

I open my eyes as the sun is setting and stretch carefully. I listen to the sounds around me before deeming it safe to come out. I ease out from under the bed carefully and walk to the window again. I could start moving as soon as it was fully dark. But I didnt want to have to walk through the house in the dark so I made my way down to the front room. I took a seat on the couch and took out some water. I wouldnt know when I would be able to take a rest. Right before I left the house I used the rest room and washed my face to wake up a little bit more. I would need to be on full alert. I checked my pack and made sure I had everything. With a quick breath I opened the door and ran down the street and out of the town. I didnt stop till I hit the woods. My lungs were burning and my pack was digging into my sholder. I took a minute to listen and look around. All seemed to be still but that could change quickly. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness and took out my small flash light. It was a solar powered light, I had found it in new york city and was greatful every night since. It was dangerous to use a flashlight, but it was even more dangerous to go fumbling around the woods in the dark. I made my way through the trees as carefully as I could, any injury could be your undoing out here. I stopped from time to time, to listen and look around. I took a few short breaks to rest my legs and drink some water. By the time dawn was breaking, I had made my way pretty far into the woods. I took out my bow and arrow and put away my flashlight. If I sawa  rabbit or any game I could kill it on my my through, I wasnt going to risk cooking it out in the open but if I found a place before it spoiled I could have something to eat. I looked around me, watching for animals and for creatures. My feel were aching but I pushed on anyway. I had to reach a safe place before night fall, it wasnt wise to go long periods without food or sleep, it made you weak. I never wanted to be weak, not out here in the middle of woods I couldnt see and end to. It was going to be a long day and I wasnt able to move as fast as the night. You had to be more cautious during the day time. You never knew what was above you or what was waiting up ahead or behind you. It was too quiet, it had been too long since I had come up against anything. It was beginning to make me nervous. Its as if they all had disappeared. I knew better. They came when you least expected them, thats how they got the edge on you. I wasnt about to become a sitting duck. So I pushed forward, moving mile by mile. Hoping to get lucky and find some food and a safe place to sleep. As the day pushed on, I got more and more edgy, something funky was going on and I wasnt sure I liked it very much.

Past lives...

This past life buisness has been on my mind latley. I have been doing a lot of research on how it supposivly works. I read books from respected scientists, theroys from doctors and phycologists. Its interesting to me how people with vast educations, different beliefs can come together on one idea. I admit I was a skeptic. I was always interested in the paranormal, but I never really believed it until it happened to me in my own home. So believing in a past life isent that far fetched for me anymore. I took all this information I have gathered and began applying it to my own life. Things that I feel are connected in my own personality and my dreams that I have had throughout life. I have always been drawn to literature and story writing. I dont believe that it was just a talent I have been born with. I dont believe that any writer is just born with the gift to tell a story well. I believe that it is the experience and the craft that is learned over several lifetimes. Maybe we dont realize it but perhaps some of the stories written by authors are actually memmories supressed by another life. Or people we meet in our lives that inspire us, are actually a reincarnation of someone who once mattered to you in another life. Perhaps history buffs that spend their life researching a specific era actually lived in that time, that is why they are drawn to it. Maybe doctors who have spent their life healing others, gifted hands of surgens are people who have been healing for more than one life time. Why do we choose things that we love or are interested in? Why are we drawn to people and places? How do those thoughts, those feelings just appear within ourselves. How do family members whom you never met, or even lived in your life time look so much like family members later down the line? I would think that traits are passed but having strong likenesses is a bit odd to me. Expecially since the father or mother outside the blood line is a new gene to the family and it should be deluited out over time. However in some cases, people look idenical to family members that died a hundred plus years before they were even born. Whos to say that life just continues on when you die, except your born again and your given a new name and you might not remember at all that you lived before. In some cases there are people that know things about someone who had lived that they couldnt possibly have known, or they have dreams and memmories of certain places in time yet they couldnt have been alive then. Perhaps your soul mate, is your one destined lover, you just meet them over and over as new people. Maybe what makes you fall in love, is realizing they are just as much apart of you as you are. Maybe thats because your journeys are always meant to intertwine.

I have a reoccuring dream that happens about once or twice every few years. Its strange to me because it feels so natural to me. Like I did that everyday for a whole life time and it was just something that was apart of me. I dream that I am this little, short and petite Equptian girl bent over a peice of parchment scroll making little charcter symbols as a man speaks to me. I assume I am writing what he is telling me to write. I feel the hunger in my dream, my stomach rolls through the pains as the dream plays out. I can smell the paper and the ink on the stick I had carved to draw with. Im sure there are names for the tools I was using but I am amazed at how I know how to use the tools or what they are for. I have never used old tools like that, but if I had to I would know what to do with it. The man in the dream called me scribe. I looked that up and those were slaves or people who were taught to write books for the farrohs or government at that time. It was a craft that not many people knew and because of it the slave scribe was treated fairly better than the others. I was surprised when I looked it up and found out about what a scribe did and what tools they used because that was exactly what I was doing in the dream. I didnt look like i look now but somehow I know that it was myself. I cant explain how, its odd but I knew immedietly in my sleep that I was watching myself work. I worked quickly and seemed to be able to take in what he was saying and put it on paper as quickly as one could at the time. The man never called me by any other name other than scribe so im assuming i was a slave and not a scolar. I remember that I was nervous about my movements and how I was sitting or what I was doing. I feared the man sitting in the room, I didnt want to upset him, I didnt want to displease him and I worked quick because I didnt want him to think I was working too slow. My mouth was very dry and the sun was very intense. Both the man and myself were sweating in the afternoon sun. I assume it was summer in Eqypt at the time. I could see people cutting stone and moving peices down a line, but im not sure what they are building nor are any of them famiulur to them. In my dream I would look over to them and be thankful I didnt have to do that kind of labor. I remember my hands aching and hoped that the man would end soon for the day. I wanted to shake my hand and stretch it out but i didnt dare cease working in fear of the man sitting next to me. I worked and worked and worked and then I was dismissed and I quickly collected the tools I had been using and set them on a table in the room. I somehow knew that I wasnt allowed to take any of the tools home but I didnt know why. My dream ends with me walking out of the room and past the slaves working in the sun.

I also have another dream that comes to me from time to time, but not in a predictable pattern like the other dream. I am in Ireland, I only know this because of the landscape and the accent of the people who speak in my dream. I am a small framed red headed girl, dressed in what I am guessing early 1900 wear. I walk through a old cottage style home, cleaning and straitening as I go along. I wash laundry in a basin and hang it outside. I prepare meals in the fireplace in the kitchen. I knead dough to make bread and go to collect water in a local stream and haul it back to the cottage. There are children running around playing or getting into mischief. There is a man that I prepare a meal for and wrap it in a cloth, but he just smiles and kisses my cheak before tucking the wrapped food in his coat and leaving. I sing as I work and my voice is pretty and way better than my voice is now. I once again dont look anything like I do now but I just know somehow that it is me. My name is shannon and the little boy calls me mother,as well as the small girl. But I dont know their names, only that I smile when they speak to me and I feel like I love them beyond words. I play with them a bit as I go about but it seems like I have much to do and little time to spare. I work the whole time, never really stopping other than to play with the children or fan my heated face. Sometimes, things happen that didnt happen the other times I dreamt it, like the little girl once climbed in my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck, she had tears in her eyes and I hugged her as if to sooth her. One time the man actually sat and ate at the table as I worked before leaving, but he never spoke to me as I worked. A neighbor stopped by once for a chat and we sat in the parlor and spoke about the holiday party season and what dresses we would need to mend to be worn. Its strange to me, because i always feel like I have everything under control, even tho i am always so busy in the dream. When I have this dream I usually wake up very tired, like I hadnt even slept at all. I have always been drawn to Ireland. I have a celtic tattoo and I collect irish memrobellia. I have a strong need to go there one day, a part of me feels like something is waiting for me there, or something is missing because I have never been there in person. Unlike the eqyptian girl, shannon is very content and happy with the life she leads. Her home is something she takes pride in and she enjoys the work even tho it is long and hard. She loves the children she has and always keeps a watchful eye on them as they play. Although I have no idea who the man is or his place in the house but I feel that shannon loves him very much. I feel like he is the type of man that appreciates the work she puts into the home, and they have a certain balence in their life roles. Basically I feel like I belong there, that its my home and I love it very much. I might not have very nice things but life is exactly the way I want it. I have never felt that content in my own life. Perhaps Ireland was the one lifetime that I was trully happy and somehow my soul longs for that place. I feel like I know exactly where the cottage is. If I was able to draw, I could sketch the rooms exactly how they were. I can close my eyes and see the house in my mind and almost smell the bread baking. I can not explain how the dream inpacts me. Everytime I have it I feel like I am lacking the rest of the day. I feel like I am a long way away from my home and my family and it makes me sad. Sometimes when life is hard I wish that I can have that dream just to feel that happyness in myself. I know it is not my life, that it belonged to someone else. But a part of me believes that I once had that home and that family and I miss them dearly. I miss the land and the smells and the people who come to visit me. I dont understand how that is possible from a dream. The only thing I can conclude is that I was once that person in that life and Im just remembering it. As if my soul wont let me forget the happiness I felt there. Maybe one day I will find that cottage in Ireland. Maybe one day I will get an explanation as to why I have that dream and why I feel the things I feel. But as of right now, I chalk it up to a past life I once had. Its the only thing that makes sense. Even now as I think of it, I hold the emerald green shamrock I have on a necklace around my neck. Ireland was once my home and I long for it everyday. I only hope that in this life I can go there again. It seemed to bring be great happiness and joy.

I have been biting my toung for awhile about all these shows where women are catty and always seem to be in some sort of fight. Mainly Basketball wives and Mob wives, shows like that. I cant believe this is exceptable tv. I admit I was drawn to the Mob wives show because I have always been into mob history, after all I was in school for forensics. I dont condone that lifestyle at all, in fact im glad that we put an end to most of those criminals. However they are still out there. I felt bad for the women who grew up with fathers who had gone to prison. Most of them didnt know about their parents life until it was already in the press. Its not like they advertised their mob careers to their famlies. I couldnt imagine how hard that had to of been for them. But then again, here they are on a show and they speak of their family as if they were some sort of hero. I can see the whole father daughter thing, they look up to their fathers because well...its their father. But I cant see how it is cool to brag about that life, or continue to live off the blood money. Im not perfect, nor am I a saint, but I just think about all the people out there that had family members murdered by the mob and it makes me sick that they have to deal with this kind of Tv show. They forget that the people that they loved so much, took over local buisnesses and bullied them into paying them for so called protection. If they didnt pay then they would burn down the buisness or kill off the buisness owners. They sold guns and put drugs on the streets, and they killed people in cold blood. Most of the killings came from behind, a shot to the back of the head or they would lure people out by pretending to have dinner and things like that. To me that is a cowards way of going about it. They were bullies who believed they were above the law, that they could steel and kill and do whatever they wished because they were entittled to it. What a crock of shit. I say it takes more of a man to go out and make a buisness by working hard and sacrificing and going to school then that of a boy who goes in with a gun and bullies success out of people. It is a low life scum that sells hard drugs to kids on the streets, or trys to take over a shop or a buisness because they think they own the street it is on. Im glad most of them are rotting in prison and im glad that the families of the people they terrioized can have justice for the wrong they commited. But this show, Mob wives is not at all what I expected. I thought I would sit down and watch how they struggled learning of their parents wrong and made something of themselves. Instead all they do is date criminals who do the exact same thing, they use the money that the criminals made, that they hid from the cops. It might as well be stained red in their pockets. I hope that the spirits of those who were murdered haunt their homes full of fur coats and death money. They make me sick, their no better than the men rotting in prison. Father or grandfather, mother...doesnt matter who they were to you, you have a choice to be better. You have the choice to do the right thing, and to live a life that is respectable and decent...and they didnt. Im sure there still involved in some way, and im sure they know more than they let on. It was believed that the wives knew little to nothing about the inner workings of the mob. I think that is bullshit. They just needed someone on the outside to continue their work and send them money in jail. The women know what is going on, their apart of it and most of the time they get away with it. And they sit home in their big blood money houses and stick their noses up in the air because they believe they should be respected because of who their family was. I respect no criminal, and I refuse to respect children who continue down the wrong path, just because they know there is easy money in drugs and killing. The feds are a lot smarter and more advanced then they were then. It wont be long before what is left of the mob is gone forever, and it wont be long until the women in this lifestyle will have to own up and face the same consequences as the husbands and fathers in prison. Women are not stupid, I am one so I should know. How easy it is to plead ignorance and pretend to be innocent. None of you are innocent. None of you deserve to be walking free when you know damn well you had your hand in the pot to. Your day will come. Until then I have boy cotted the show, I refuse to watch such disgusting examples of human beings. Thats all I can do. I cant force others to feel the way I do about it. They just see the drama and the flair of the show and it entertains them. I on the other hand tend to look at the bigger picture of things. They are criminals that got away with it. For that I wish them no kind of success or joy in their lives. I hope to see them behind bars one day in the future. Of course I cant sit and say they are all guilty of this, but the ones on the show are probably as bad as they come. I hope it flops and they get crap from every person they come in contact with. I hope their live outside prison becomes a prison to them. Only then will justice be served. As far as basketball wives is concerned. Your all ghetto women who set a bad example for grown women. Get it together, this is why men think women are crazy! I find it funny that people who have all the money in the world, women who can have anything and everything they ever wanted...fight so much about stupid trivial shit. You dont see middle class women or poor women conducting themselves in that mannor and we have way more stress and chaos in our lives then they ever will. We dont fight with our friends like that, we dont bitch and argue about things in that way. Im beginning to think that class comes from the inside of the person and not the lifestyle in which they live. Maybe with all that money they have, they should go to school and learn how to be a sane respectable women. Seriously your all a joke. Your pathedic and a sorry excuse for a women. Your foul and cruel and ignorant. And personally your show sucks, there is no good that comes from it. There I have vented my pent up anger about reality tv...but as the more shows come out, the angrier I get. What happened to good tv? This generation is full of drama lovers, I cant even begin to tell you how depressing that is. I think I was born in the wrong time.

Message in a bottle...

If I had the chance to say all the things that I cant say to people without the hesitation and the fear of rejection, i would write it in a message and send it out to sea, where the mysteries of life are as common as the give and take of the tide. This is a message I would write....

I am a person with so many words jumping around in my head. The world seems to be too large for me at times and I get lost in the maddness around me. I watch and I wait, yet I know not what I am awaitng. I long for dreams that were always just slightly out of reach, yet I reach anyway. I have been told that I dream too big or the realism of life will one day hit me, I know the pain of being a dreamer, yet it consumes me, forces me to look beyond the norm. I dont know the path that is before me and I hesitate to take a step. I long to feel contentment, to feel complete, except inside me, all I am is empty. I look out to the sea and I wish it would scoop me up and take me away, yet the waves stop just before my toes, even the sea betrays me. I look to the clouds as they pass by me and I beg them to come down and cover me in their soft embrace, to love me and except my twisted fate. Life is hard here, lonley and cold, the sun shines all around me and I cant feel its warmth. I am a artist without a muse, a singer without a song, a star thats too dim to shine. I have lost myself in this place and I dont know where to look to find the peices of shell that line the shore of my soul. My waters are angry and devestating, they lash out to the land, crumbling structures like a house of cards callapsing in the wind. I am too diffrent to be excepted here. Society swims by me, although I look like them, swim like them, im not one of them. I could swim in circles around this world and no one would notice the ripple I create around them. I long to belong, to find a place I am excepted. I want to feel as alive as i was yesterday. I call to you, the deep mystery of the sea, find me and take me in. Embrace me and call me one of your own. Allow dreams to be reality so I can be at peace. Id give you my soul if it meant I could smile within, if it meant I was happy again. I write this message in the blood I have shed thus far and I beg you to call me home. This is a message from the soul, heal me, hear me and welcome me home.

My Journey, then and now

When you look back on how far you have come in your life, it takes you to this place within yourself, where no one can taint or touch your journey. I have been dwelling in this place the last few weeks. I cant tell you how many things that I wish I could go back and fix or redo, so many stupid mistakes and wasted oppertunties. But the sad fact is, you cant go back. You cant change the way you lived before. you can only control the road ahead. With that said, how do you take all that hurt, that anger and turmoil and push it aside without it dragging behind you the rest of the way like dead weight. I know that people make mistakes, that people regret the choices they once made. The way I felt then isent the way I feel now, I can let go and over come the disapointments and failures. But the problem is I cant forget. I get to this place where everything is in order, I do well in life and Im happy. And then on a dime, things change drastically. I loose pretty much everything and I have to start again. I try to see the best in things, I try to tell myself that it is just one more hurdle to clear before you find the right job. But then you get into a new job and you get your second career wind. You might work your ass off but all you lost is replaced or upgraded. Then bam, a kick in the career gut and time has run out again. It is a constant give and take, but thats life right. The hard has to come just as the good has to. Nothing in life is permanent and I think im really realizing that and it bothers me. It started off with little things, like my family changed traditions a little bit over the summer and I was surprised to find myself sad that things werent the same anymore. Most of my cosins and friends have famlies of their own now, so hanging out with friends gets harder and harder to do around everyones sceduals. People are working their asses off and becoming parents. Its a rough time for all of us. We suddenly realize that we are almost through our twenties and were supposed to have all these things done before we turn thirty. Then the panic sets in. It is really hard to swallow when your whole life has to turn on a totally different axis then your used to. I know that it is sort of childish to be melonchaly about growing up, but lets face it people, everyone knows the hard part of life is when adulthood is upon you.
I dont know what to do with my life. Im unsure where I should go from here. I dont know how to take everything i would like to accomplish and make it happen. I have completly lost my drive for life and that is unlike me. Im usually upbeat and opptimistic. I used to laugh and crack jokes all the time, I swear I havent smiled or laughed in weeks. I am loosing myself in the maddness and its frustrating. I know im stronger than this, im not the person that sits around and feels sorry for themselves. Well that is how I have been all my life. Perhaps its time i faced that im not super women and I cant do it all on my own. I do need to ask for help sometimes and I need to remember that the best way to get back on your feet is to admit that you have fallen in the first place. I need to grit my teeth and get back on the grind stone, but knowing that doesnt make my feet want to move.
There will never be a age in your life where you say, okay this is it, there will be no more hard things to face, no more tragedy or failure, deceit or pain. Its just not realistic, hard is a part of getting through life. I will always fight, but I wont always be strong enough to sholder the weight on my own. Im going to chalk this all up to a learning experience, I realized things about myself that I need to change, and if I dont ever want to be in this posititon again then I need to change what is broken..
When this is all over, and I can be myself again, I hope that I came through this whole. I dont know if I can continue on in my journey with chips or cracks or peices missing. Id give anything to feel whole again.
When I looked back I wanted to know where it had started to go all wrong, I needed to know what had happened that destroyed me so. I thought of my childhood. I have two older siblings, My mother and father were highschool sweethearts. My mother got pregnant in her senior year and walked the stage pregnant with my eldest sibling and sister Lorraine. They married after graduation and moved to Colorado to try and carve their own life together. Things got hard and with a little baby, they needed help. When they moved home things got better and they bought their first home. They had my brother Rickie. The marriage was hard on my parents, they were still kids themselves. They had never been on their own before, never had the time to go off to school or go off and travel. They sacrificed for their children and it caused a wedge between my parents and their marriage. My mom was a go getter, she had children that needed to eat and bills that needed to be paid. She went out and worked three jobs to provide for her family. My father was unsure of what he wanted in life, depressed because he wanted to do so much more with his life, and he felt trapped in a marriage he wasent even sure they were ready for. He counted on my mom because he didnt know how to step up and take the lead. He didnt have the drive or the confidence she had. They tried to make it work, but my father had a few affairs, my mother was angry because she was always taking care of everything on her own. Then my mom got pregnant with me, her baby brother who was suffering from leiukemia was getting worse and she knew she was loosing him, her marriage was falling apart, she was struggling to take care of her two children and she had another one on the way. She was ill with me, there was a lot going on in her life and I think she was stressed out. I came early and I was a premie, and had to have special care. My mother was a nervous wreck because I was born early. I was tiny compared to their other two children. The stress of everything finally snapped the marriage and my mom left my father. I have no memory of my mother and father together, I was one when the divorce was final. RIckie, my older brother was two and probably doesnt remember much either. Lorraine was four so Im sure she has some memories. I dont think we were affected as kids by the divorce because everyone knew that staying together would only have been misrable and too hard to bare. I think that my parents genineally loved one another and they were friends, I think they both realized that they were young and they had so much life left to lead, and they both deserved to be happy. It Broke them but in the end, deep down they know it was the right thing to do.
When my parents split, my mother became involved with another man a few years later named Tom. My father took off and for the most part only came around when it was convienient for him. He was dealing with the divorce and he didnt know what he wanted to do with his life. For a long time Tom was my permanent father figure, he cooked me dinner, put me to bed, played with me and took care of me. My mother moved us into his trailer in the country, it was some of the best times in my childhood. I was a happy kid and I was happy with Tom and my mom as my parents. I knew my father and I saw him from time to time, but it wasnt the same. My mother got to the point where she wanted more children. Tom didnt want to have anymore since they had the three of us. My mom wanted to keep her children close in age and have them while she was young. Eventually that was the one thing that broke them apart. I believe that Tom and My mom loved each other very much, I think that seprating hurt Tom deeply. He was in it for the long haul, we were his family. But my mom wanted more and she had met some one new. This is where the journey first introduced pain. I hated my mother for leaving tom, i hated her new boyfriend and I was mad that Tom never came back for me. I would have gone anywhere he took me, I know now he couldnt, I wasnt his child. But as a child, I was his kid and I wanted to be where he was and have everything go back to the way it used to be. This is when I learned that nothing in life will remain the same. Not even your own parents. As my mom was raising us, she was growing up herself, she made mistakes with us that she maybe shouldnt have, but she was a single mom who did what she had to do to keep us together and healthy. This is also where my trust issues with men began. How easily they could forget you or toss you aside, it was a page turner in my life.
As years went on my mother had two more children with the man she left Tom for. His name is Dan and he is the father of my sisters so he will always be considered connected to the family. Dan and I have had a long road. We had many years where we didnt get along. I was angry for the wrongs he did to my family by being a drunk. I was mad for having to see my mother struggle yet again. I learned a lot in these years. I had two baby sisters that I had to help take care of, so I learned a lot of valuable motherly things. I learned a lot about people with addiction and how it can destroy family life. I learned that happiness is something that is precious and doesnt come without hard work. During this time I had to go and live with my father. It was a difficult time for me, I was taken away from my siblings, and forced to start a new school. I was a teenager in a new place in a new school and I wasnt happy about it. I gave my parents a hard time and did a lot of bad things. I dropped out of school and got into the wrong crowd. My life spirled out of control. I fell in love for the first time and for the first time got my heart broken. This is where it all went wrong. This is where I first lost my way. I dropped out of school and wasted years traveling around and struggling before I got my butt back to school but that was only one of the problems. My heart was hurting. I was an abnormal child, I believed fully in falling in love and making sure everything is perfect. I tried to do everything right and I thought that I couldnt love anyone more than I could love the person I was with at the time. I dedicated my soul to a realationship. I was young and a bit of a dreamer, I had all kinds of unrealistic plans and goals. I believed we would be together forever and I would be happy. And as quickly as the love sparked, it ended. There was never closure or any reason why it had to end and that is something i will have to live with for the rest of my life. I broke inside on the day my life as I knew it ended. I had a dream and it was squashed, I was in love and it wasnt returned. It took years to bounce back from that, years I didnt date anyone or let anyone in. I began to shut myself off. I decided being numb, or cold was a hell of a lot easier than showing someone how much they meant to me. For the first time I feared love and what it could do to my life. I learned that caution was nessasary to protect your heart. A thick wall was built around my heart during that time, I have been chipping away at it ever since.
As I grew up I got into another serious relationship and I was cheated on and lied to and mistreated, we were young and selfish and destructive and we destroyed one another. We lived together for a long time and he was the first guy I ever shared a home with. I learned a lot about myself and what I want out of a relationship. I wasnt the nauive girl I once was, but I loved deeply. I loved him and I hoped for things again, I thought we would be together forever, but there were things that I began to notice and I realized if I didnt change things, if I didnt step away I would wind up just like my mother, in a unhappy marriage, working three jobs, struggling through school and raising children on my own. I realized that there is a pattern to lives and there are certain cycles that people get stuck in and its up to the person to change things so the cycle breaks. I want to do things the right way, I want a husband and a family and a home and I want to be happy. I loved this person I was with, I still do. I still wish sometimes that the person would come back and show me I was all wrong, that they could be a husband I could count on, a good father to the children we would raise, and someone I could count on to help support a family. I wish I could believe that I would be enough for him, that he would never stray again, but I cant do those things. He never came back to fight for us, so it was never meant to be. It doesnt mean that the pain leaves. I think that although the first love destroyed me, I think this relationship im speaking of crumbled me. I no longer believe that there is a marriage that can work in this day in age. I no longer believe that a couple can be a team, I think that there is always one person that has to take care of everything while the other mooches off the other. I dont think that love is enough to make you happy. Not only did I live with him and begin to believe that a life together would be possible, Not only did I fall for him but I fell for his family. I created bonds with people because I believed we would be family forever. And then it ended, not just the relationship but the home and the family and all you put into the relationship. It isent worth it to me to ever even be in a relationship in the first place. I have never seen a marrige steam from my generation that lasts or that is trully genuine. Its sickening and disheartening, its also a stone cold fact and not one I can afford to forget.
Knowing all these things about myself, going back and seeing the root of my pain can help me save my future from the same problems. I know that a relationship is not something you can base dreams around, I need to ensure my own destiny, provide for myself, do the things I need to do to make sure Im going to be okay. I need to be able to count on myself and that be enough because I know that I wont be able to rely or count on someone else forever. I know that nothing lasts, so I need to prepare more for when things begin to go south again. I need to learn to love myself and not care if someone loves me back. If I want a family of my own, I can have one. I dont need a husband or a relationship to have that, at least I wont be disapointed when I end up doing it all on my own. I need to stop believing in the unrealistic and I need to stop dwelling in dreams, all it ever does is cause pain.
The point im trying to make is this, You need to look back on your own lives, you need to learn your own lessions and form your own standards for life. I think that in order to make it through life, you need to be whole as a person. To be whole, you must patch all the holes poked along the way. Once that is done you can be the best self you can be and you can put your best foot forward on your journey through life. Take every day you have for all its worth and dont ever forget, in the end the only person you have to blame for walking the wrong road is yourself, so step wisly folks, every step counts on the walk of life.

To my friends....

If one more person asks me when I'm going to settle down I'm going to box them clean in the ears! I get it okay, I grew up in a small town, they have their own way of doing things, but lets review shall we......

1_ I have always been the last one to make the leap...remember... late bloomer over here!...does it really surprise you that im taking my sweet time. Havent I done that with every major decision in my life? I will make the move...someday. hey man, im like a fine wine..only gets better with age....yessss lame I know..maybe thats why im not marriage material lol....seee hopeless hehehehehehehehehehehe.

2_ remember that girl in the corner...you know the quite wall flower....yeah that was me!!!!!!!!!! news flash Im fricken shy, so no I dont just walk up to dudes and bat my eyelashes like some barbie doll on crack. I have my own way of doing things. soo yeah sometimes I can get more flirty with a couple drinks...but do you really think some dude you push me at in a bar that i couldnt even speak to in daylight is going to be a husband canadate....um Im a little worried about where your little experiments are going. And for the record ladies...I would like to pick out my own hubby...just for future reference...after all im the one that would have to see him everyday.

3_ when have I ever been known to do normal things? um....NEVER! How many times has one of you said that im odd or that I was born during the wrong time...or what the hell planet are you on...all of these sentences dont add up to betty crockers credentials....and when have I ever chosen the normal plans? I do things half ass backwards...sorry cant help it...im weird lol....so knowing im weird...why is it sooo weird that im not hitched...I dont think its weird lol.

I know in your eyes Im an old spinster...but people...27 isent old! I dont care what you say about supposive ticking clocks or whatever..I wasnt born with any ticking noises and I have yet to hear any so I think im good on all that. Why cant I enjoy all your little rugrats and give them back later, I think that is a totally sweet arrangement and im happy with it. Im not home crying into my pillow at night either, I dont feel sad because I dont have a date to get to and Im certainally not wasting my life because I dont have a husband at home. I have a cat, he seems like enough to handle at this point. Im totally fine with how things are, I like living alone. And I think that deep down...all of you...at some point would want to come home to a quite place where there are no kids screaming...no husbands to care for...just you and your things...and guess what!...you will get that one day...when the kids are off to school and your husbands are golfing! ANd you know what, Im not going to be knocking on your door telling you that you better go adopt some kid and call your husband home for dinner, im just going to smile and say...its nice huh...because I EXCEPT WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE IN YOUR LIFE. Your standards and your wants make you happy, you have babies and husbands because you were meant to, because thats what you wanted. I want things to, yeah and I know I will regret this later, sure I want a family to. BUT...not until I want it for myself at some point of time in my life. Im not any different then I was then, the sailor mouth thing is a little tamer depending on certain situations lol, and Im not a total dare devil these days.....annnnd im in one spot more that two seconds...so thats something. The point im trying to make hear ladies is, Im fine...I like my life. I dont need to be set up on stupid blind dates...first off if it was a good thing why is it called a blind date? Anyway, we will talk about that later. I dont need to meet your husbands dentist or work buddy or whatever. I got this, so relax, and lay off would ya. I love ya to death but I swear you drive me bat shit insane! Whew I need a drink!