Frusrating

Im so frustrated right now. I have this anger bubbling up inside me and I feel like I want to go open the cupboard and throw all the dishes against the wall. Of course then I would have to clean it all up and buy new dishes so although it seems like a nice thought, here I sit at my computer instead and I know there is no danger of me smashing this since its the one item that brings me peace. Here I can say whatever I want and I can get it out and it makes me feel a little better....most of the time. WHen did times change, when did things get so messy. I feel like Im battling a loosing cause. But for once im not going to go on and on about my own problems instead im just going to give some advice and I hope someone out there takes it, and it helps out a problem they are having. Okay so everyone knows a relationship has two halves to it, each member holds responsiblity so that the whole thing can stay afloat. If its not balenced, then the whole thing gets tipped out of control and things can get bad. Each half should work together, to earn money to pay the bills, it shouldnt be on one set of sholders, both the people should work together so its not so hard, it lowers the stress and makes you feel like your making it together. If one of the members is working and the other one is not, eventually it is going to get to the point where the one who is working starts to feel like they are being taken advantage of or being used. They feel like the other one doesnt care that they are working hard to make sure everything is taken care of. That one person holds all that stress because there not getting any help. There is no excuse for being out of work, unless you have an illness or a disablity that prevents you from working then you should be out there earning your own way. For all of you out there, men or woman who are holding this weight of providing on your sholders, should stand up and say how you feel, tell the other that you are tired, that you dont think its fair, that your not going to allow the other to live off of you. Give them a time limit to have a job and if they dont put forth effort, and after your talk they dont show that they care, then kick them to the fucking curb, because if you dont then they will spend the rest of your life surviving off of you and not even feel one ounce of remorse about it. Dont be an enabler, make them take responsiblity, make them be the other half of what you deserve to have. because if someone really loves you, I mean really loves you then there not going to feel right about you working so hard and doing it on your own. Because when someone really loves you, then they think of you as a unit and not as a profider. You are not their parent, you are not their lifeline. if they cant learn to stand on their own two feet then they will never make it in life and you dont want that problem on your hands. If you dont stand up for what you deserve then your never going to get it. I thought that things have changed, I thought that after all the talks after all those long days of work and coming home to make dinner that he would learn to care enough to get off his ass, well its been almost a month and the time limit I set is running out. Its sickening to watch and its sickening to know that he really doesnt care after all. DOnt let yourself get to be in my shoes, its loneley and it hurts. DO better and put your foot down and speak up for yourself. I hope no one has to go through this. I really mean that.

Reaching for your goals

Have you ever gotten into that frame of mind where your so determined that everything you do is structered around that goal and it almost becomes an obsession. Thats how I feel right now about swiching my major. I have been in the law field for awhile now, doing all the legal classes and it showed me a lot and it opened my eyes to the goals that I had thought were right for me, but the more I got into it the more I realized that I was selling myself short, that there was something else that I knew deep down that was right for me. I changed my major to crime scene investigations, forensics and profiling. I really loved criminal law and I became fascinated with the way evidence was discovered and how the system worked to bring justice. It showed me things that I wouldnt have known from just working in the legal field, although I still am parcial to the prosecution side, I realize it is only because that is who I would prefer to work for. I want to get out there and study the crime, investigate the case and catch the killers out there, not only to bring justice or give the deceased peace, but because I have that overwelming need to protect the rules, to put fear into the guilty and make it known that I will find you and I will find out what they did, how and why they did it and then I will watch as the law takes what I did and puts the guilty away. I feel that the only way I will feel forfilled in my job is if I can make a diffrence, if maybe I can give answers to questions that may have gone unanswered if I didnt doo my job. I feel for the victims, its not that I set myself apart from them, its actually the opposite, I learn to know all I can about the person, I try to put myself in their shoes, understand how they think, or felt about the people around them. I try to see them through a looking glass and I put the peices together, after the case is over its not like I forget, I grieve for them, but a part of me knows that I did all that I could and in some way, gave peace or showed that not all people are dark and hurtful. I want to be able to support the constitution and the people that live around me. Im so driven in this quest that any other job seems unbearable. This is my calling and I have never been more ready to embrace what I was meant to do. It was hard going through life not quite sure where I fit or what I was going to do with my life. I thought for a long time that I was never going to figure things out, and as they sa one day I opened my eyes to something I never considered before and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I have found my passion. I think that for most people this happens and when it does life as you know it changes into things that you never knew possible. I hope that all of you out there know that there is something out there for you and that although at times you feel hopeless, it will happen for you, and when it does you will find a joy so pure and so satidfying that all that time you spent worring will be forgotten. And the light of happiness shines in your life. Dont be afraid to try something new or put yourself out there because you never know what its going to lead to. I thought I was on the right path but until I learned and saw diffrent things for myself than I never would have found my dream job. Reach for the stars and work for everything you have, and when it seems hopeless keep pushing, in the end it will all be worth it. I hope for the best for all of you, keep battling and one day the war will be won.

Romance

I watch these shows on tv, where the guy always says the right things and the girls are always the perfect girlfriend, geeze no matter so many relationships fail, I mean sure its nice to set an example and strive to be in a good relationship, but are relationships even like that....ever? What is right for one person is wrong for the other, so all those perfect little lines may not be something that impresses your date, and when did the mude to every date have to be to candle light and perfectly starlet nights, what about the scenes where they kiss in the rain that leave you with that awww momment. There nice to try to replacate and sometimes it works out, but this is the reality of life and dating, your date is usually either too early and your nerves are jumpy the rest of the evening because you never had those last few moments to take a breath, or there late and you get that feeling that you have been blown off and you feel like an idiot or you think that there not really that into you and the rest of the night you question everything about the other person to try and find the answer to those annoying questions. Or you get to the date and you find that you just dont have much in common and the conversation drops off and the night is ended in a half hug and a pat on the back. Or you get there and you have amazing chemistry and everything is smooth and comfortable and then out of know where they say something that throws you totally off, somthing rude or degrading and your kind of discusted and then for the rest of the night those little warning flags are raised one after the other and the date ends with you suddenly remembering that you had something to do and your so quick to leave that you dont leave your number and your half way out the door and praying he wont demand a kiss. Or the date where its okay, not spectacualr or great but you had fun and you go to sleep that night thinking if maybe you have found something that is worth it or wondering if maybe you just made a new friend. I mean good or bad there are things that go wrong or dont work out the way you planned or forsaw it. Nothing is perfect, no perfect setting, no perfect words and no perfect ending to the date, even if they are the one there is going to be something that you have to deal with that makes the whole thing a lot less then rose colored glasses. I like the shows where although there are things over the top or well...scripted there is that realism in the mix where things go wrong or its awkward and although usually you laugh it off, your sort of releaved because you in some way can relate. I guess where im going with all this is that fairytales are nice and everyone enjoys them, and i hope for everyone they have the closest momment to a fairytale, but dont expect perfect and dont expect the things that seem so right, just follow what your heart feels and listen to your head and know that it may not be perfect in the scripted way, it might be perfect in the right way for you, in the real way. Dont set the bar so high that no one can reach it, because most of your life is going to be spent in disapointment. Life doesnt have to be like the movies that we watch, it can be happy and simple and well normal, but that doesnt mean it wont turn out to be a happy ending. Find out what you need in a relationship to give you the ending that you want and dont worry about the dream world of relationships. Being real starts with finding out what kind of fairy tale would have been written with you as the main princess. or prince. If you reach out being what you need to be and being who you should be then the one at the end of the lane on that white horse will end up being the one tru prince or princess for you, because from the beginning you were you and they will love you the way you always dreamt. Fairy tale or not, everyone deserves a happy ending and I trully hope that all of you find it. Happy hunting..........

Letting go....

Everyone has to walk away at some point, no matter where you live, or how you grow up. Things always seem to change and life as you know it is turned upside down, so a part of you curls in a ball and lingers in the sadness of change, then once you have sorted it all out, you stand up and brush yourself off, taking one last look at life, you walk ahead into the unknown. Sometimes the other side turns out to be a place that causes you more pain than you ever thought possible. People tell me that loss and letting go is apart of change, and that all life's stages require it, and somehow you just have to find a way to deal with it. How am I supposed to process that? If you love something or someone one, are you not supposed to fight for it, make it work, so much that it actually hurts to be without it. And then the time comes and its over, all that, am I just supposed to forget it? Am I supposed to just brush it off like it meant nothing. there is no just learning to deal with it, somedays I walk in this haze, in the inbetween, my thoughts so entwined in the then and the now that i can barly tell them apart. Faces mesh together, I dont see anyone around me because those that I want to see arent there and nothing else seems to matter much. When does this pass? Sometimes I want to laugh so hard, just once so I try to listen to something funny and I wait, listening and trying to feel that burst, but nothing happens. I want to smile so bad, that sometimes I smile so huge in the mirror that I almost look like im in pain, I dont know why I do that, I dont think that counts as a smile. Maybe im loosing my mind completly, letting go seems to be sucking the life out of me. I try and I try to have that light balb moment where everything just makes sense, but nothing does and Im beginning to think that people say it because it is so ingrained in our heads that, that is what your supposed to do, that its normal to loose everything about yourself that you cant even reconize who you are anymore, and one day everything will just go back to being okay, that you just have to get through it. What a bunch of bull, they have no idea, I am beginning to feel that no one gets it. Maybe im alone in this world completly unable to relate to anyone. Hell, maybe thats a blessing, because if you dont connect with anyone, then you have no feelings and without feelings there is no way to be hurt. I guess the only down fall is that you turn to stone and you just walk through life like a dance routine so ingrained in your head that the music is not even needed to express the emotion of the song. I dont want to be that, but I dont want to feel anymore. Isent that nuts, yeah tell me about it. If there is a way to let go, I will have to find it. Im not giving up, I think that is the only thing that Im sure of, I have been knocked down and kicked, and the only thing I have left is my dignaty and my pride and I wont be striped of it, even if in the end thats all I have. Im letting go, but it just might kill me.

AOL Mail: Simple, Free, Fun

Remember when you were young and you had that image of what adult life would be like. What kind of house you would live in, what kind of car you would drive, where you would go with your friends. Have you ever went back and tried to see how it turned out for you? What is it about adults that makes it impossible for things to ever be that simple again. Why cant we believe that anything can be possible? It's like when you grow up there is this short in your brain that says that all you once dreamt about is no longer valid because your an adult and things are done diffrently. it is kind of sickening to be placed in the inbetween. I mean Im 25 years old, Im at that point where you begin to feel that time crunch, I constantly think about all the things that im supposed to have done up to this point according to what the standards are. Everyone my age has that fear, like oh my god, pretty soon im going to have to settle down, work a job and spit out some babies. It drives me nuts. Ya know 25 is not that old. I didnt even really figure out what I wanted to do with my life until I was like 23, at that point I was expected to have finsihed collage and starting a career, but now here I am at 25 and I am still in collage and I just changed my major to start all over again. Perhaps it may have been a trigger to that youth that I refuse to let go of, but I just dont see the point in contiuing with a career that is going to bore me to death just because im behind on the adult chart. As for the settling down, Im sorry but how in the world are you supposed to know what kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? I have enough trouble trying to figure out what to have for breakfast because im supposed to be in the prime of my life and all that nonesense and im suppsosed to be perfectly shaped so some man out there will sweep me off my feet, marry me and make me a baby making machine. Well, I just cant deal with this conformity. Why do I have to be at a certain level, like life is some sort of video game and you have to complete tasks to advance. I was perfectly happy day dreaming in the clouds before the ticking of the clock sounded in my ears. As for the whole kid thing, Im independant and pay my own way, but right now that is all I can deal with, and im not comfortable being someone who has to rely on the government for help because lets face it, in this econmy, having kids is too much on your bank book. I mean no disrespect to those out there that have government help, I totally understand it is hard and you need help, Im just saying that I would rather get through school and get that big job first, well thats the plan anyway. So whats the meaning of all this, well, I think that things happen for people the way they are meant to and that with all the stress bouncing around in the world we shouldnt be worring about having certain things at certain times, who cares how old you are, or if you finished school or if you have kids early or if your not married. Dont play into the hype, just live your life like you did when you were a kid, when you just felt secure that everything would be okay. I know we all grow up, and we cant always have our heads in the clouds, but dont let that part of you fully die, dont let the standards of success passed down for generations make you feel like your wasting away or make you feel low. Be you, Do you and everything will work out. Im 25, and Im in collage about to start all over, Im not married, I dont have kids, I dont own a home yet and no I dont even have a dog...WHO CARES, Im okay with it, and hell one day i will graduate and get that job, one day I will get married...a long..long time from now, and yeah I might pop out a couple carbin copies...but if all that doesnt happen until Im 40, then so be it. Age is a number with only a value in years, and not in success...remember that. Live to your own standards and screw the shoulds and shouldnt's!